Because I live so

I whimper as I slide and my body is rasped by the floor, causing me even more pain. I lay still and try to recover a bit. My breathing is heavy and my chest moves up and down quickly.

I look around the room, trying to see where I am. It's like a dark space and there's hardly any light coming in, it's the same room I've been in for so long. I feel small in this room and it seems the walls push against me, coming closer and surrounding me, invading the space I already barely have. All I see is gray walls all around me. Gray walls that have obviously seen better days, with crumbling wallpaper and rotting corners with mold. And the smell. God, the smell. It's like too many have died in here and their corpses have been left here to rot. Generations of cruel assaults and blows. It's also heavy with the scent of blood that hasn't been cleaned. Blood that sticks to your skin while it rests on the floor, telling me without doubt that I'm not the first and I'll definitely not be the last. I don't want to be in this humid and scary place any longer.

My mother, she used to tell me stories. She used to tell me that the children who didn't behave got taken away by a mean man. Sometimes, even if you behaved, he took you anyways. I was very careful after that for a few months, especially after my cousin left with that man. His mother cried after him, pleading mercy. That was what my mother did with me too. Barely a month or so had passed since Jacob when I was taken away too. My mother was frantic and very nervous, she didn't want this for me. She kept crying and begging but the horrid man never stopped to listen to her, everything she did was in vain, even trying to trip him. She knew the consequences of her acts and of that attitude, with a silenced shot completing her punishment.

I cringe when I remember her eyes as I was being pulled away, they were filled with sadness and grief and she was exhausted. As I rested my eyes on her for the last time, she closed her eyes and collapsed on the floor, never to open them again. Seeing your mother die, leaving you her last breath isn't easy, but little did I know at that time that being the cause of your mother's death wasn't even a tenth of what was to come. I would endure the pain of my mother's eyes filled with sorrow a thousand times than continue being under his hold.

There is suddenly a pressure in my ribs, leaving me gasping for breath. I look up and see lifeless eyes staring back into mine. The pressure is increased and I shift my eyes from his to look down at my own mangled body. Blood surrounds me in a puddle, rippling from the effect of laying on top of it. I'm not sure it's all mine, though most of it probably is. I whimper out in pain when the pressure of his dirty cleats, purposely glued onto boots to inflict more damage, is preventing the oxygen to get to my lungs. When he finally realizes that if he continues, I won't live to keep being his personal punching bag, I feel the air rushing through my nose again, a laugh reverberating above me. 

My body is marred and mutilated by the vile creature towering above me. Two months, two months have I suffered him. Eight weeks has my body been crippled through and through by him. Sixty days has blood seeped out on the floor from all my wounds. A thousand four hundred forty hours has he been punishing me for the mere fact of existing in this world, when I never did anything wrong. I didn't even have time to make a mistake before being violently taken from my mother and given the treatment for a criminal. It actually seems like I really am in jail. A jail where no criminal would survive.

Maybe he has finally had enough of me and will let me go, maybe he'll just choose another and let me wallow in my misery alone. Maybe there's still hope. Wrong, how very wrong I am. I flinch when he practices his aim with my stomach, yet again. Sometimes, he just takes a swing and leaves. Other times it's like he's a robot who mechanically swings back and forth, bringing me countless pain. This time though, he chooses a more direct approach. 

His foot smashes into my stomach without any care. Up, down. Rising, striking. A never ending attack. .Each time harder and each time worse. When he stops for a second, I'm crying out in pain, which only makes him give me a hard, cruel smile while he yet again rams his body weight on my tiny body. 

I feel really weak. I can't even lift my head up and my body weighs too much. Before I have the opportunity to get up, he thrusts his boot into my side, extremely hard, and I close my eyes while I'm plunged into a deep abyss of darkness and pain, with my limbs thrashing out searching for any crevice to grab hold of to help me out of this fetid hell.

He bellows out profanities when he sees I'm no longer fighting him, when I don't even have my eyes open. He spits at me and stomps out of the room. It isn't the first time he does this, going away without giving me a second glance. I haven't eaten in days and my stomach is empty, with the infinite amount of food that I've been able to eat thrown all over the floor. Apparently, if enough kicks are thrown at your underside, whatever it held ends up on the floor. Now, it's just another constant pain joined with the others. I'm not even given the luck of going numb, I feel every bruise, every wound. I even feel all the broken bones that that bastard has given me. I never did anything to deserve this.

My eyes are closed but I know it's dark already. The days pass as a blur here and time no longer holds any meaning to me. I try to open my eyes, and only manage to see through a very thin line, seeing as they are really swollen up. I no longer recognize my body as it's been broken and pulled and slashed all over. I'm not who I was. My energy is rapidly decreasing and even I can barely hear my heart beating. My throat is sore and dry, my tongue leaning on the side. The heavy pants have stilled and I try to muster a bark unsuccessfully. Even my bark, the one thing left to define what I am anymore, has left me. I used to think that being what I am, I wouldn't have to be at the hands of evil. I wished I'd never been wrong.

I uncurl my two front legs and stand up unsteady, only to collapse back on the floor, which only causes to reopen the temporarily closed wounds again. My eyes are thin slits and there isn't a part of my body not tangled. I try to drag myself over to the door but I even fail at doing that. I heave heavily. Any part of me that I try to use is too damaged. I feel dizzy and I know it's the end. I take one last raspy breath before closing my eyes forever.

----------------------------------------

Animal violence is not a subject to be taken lightly. All over the world, even in the most civilized areas, animals are beaten to death or hit countless times. When you wonder the reason for these brutalities, the answer you try to grasp is that the animal did something wrong. That's a mistake we all make. No mater what the poor creature has done, making another living creature bleed should never be accepted, especially since it probably has no idea whatsoever of what it's done. It would be like beating your neighbor for opening his front door. Yes, it's as ridiculous as that. The next time you get mad at your pet, don't punish him for doing something that comes naturally to him. Remember, it was humans who first introduced animals into our households, taking them from their habitats and forcing them to live a completely different life. The next time you see someone hurting their pet, don't look away disgusted, just act on it, only a few words, that's all it takes. The puppy in my story never did anything wrong, he just was a the wrong place ate the wrong time. The amount of animal victims that fall into cruel hands in incredible.

Facts that might interest you;
http://www.americanhumane.org/interaction/support-the-bond/fact-sheets/animal-abuse-domestic-violence.html
What can you do?
http://www.aspca.org/fight-cruelty/report-animal-cruelty/top-10-tips-reporting-animal-cruelty
http://www.aspca.org/fight-cruelty/report-animal-cruelty/report-animal-cruelty-faq
http://www.aspca.org/fight-cruelty/report-animal-cruelty?creative=41403209118&adpos=1t1&device=c&network=g&matchtype=b&gclid=CLKX1c6CzL0CFTMetAoda1AA_w

Anyway, thanks again for reading, I really do love you all.

P.S. I'm going to Portugal for Easter so I don't know if I'll be able to upload. Oh! And  my birthday's the seventeenth!!! Yay!

Esther Alós © All rights reserved 

Life's on me

I apologize for the next post if it makes you feel...um, sad or depressed. Those are not my intentions, I can promise you that. The song is there because it goes with the story.  If it makes you uncomfortable I also apologize, if you're squeamish too. I tried to bring it down a bit. I just felt it was necessary. Read Author's note at the end, it's important.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0U0AlLVqpk

Suicide: the act of intentionally causing one's own death. 

Do you know that feeling of desperation? Of not being able to do anything. Not going, not coming.  Not moving.

I do.

Do you ever feel like you don't belong, no matter where you go, no matter what you do?

I do.

Do you have that feeling when nobody ever listens to you? Almost like speaking to a wall, with an animal being more responsive.

I do.

What about when you're with your family? No one listens to you, you're invisible, you're nobody. Not even yourself. You feel like an intruder, falling deeper and deeper into a hole, no one there to catch you, sooth you or help you. Have you ever known that?

I have.

Your friends? What friends? No one is there, no one ever has been, no one ever will be. Do you feel lost?

I do.

Do you belong? No.
Do you feel safe? No
Needed? Wanted? No. And well, no.

Forgotten? Yeah
Left aside? That too.

I'm in my bathroom, alone, as always. My wrists aren't normal anymore. Too much time has passed. Too many cuts have been made. Too many bruises. So much has changed. I know blood is sweeping out through a few cuts, even more out of the recent ones. It's been a long time since I last cared about getting everything dirty. Many of my clothes are impregnated with dark spots, because I couldn't be bothered enough to throw them in the dirty-laundry basket. It's not as if anyone cares if they're like that.

My mother? Oh, she's here. Just not here for me. My father? Never home. My brother? Well, I guess jail is going great for him. He might have escaped, only his 'friends' would know. I have a feeling my mother is seriously worried about him, never mind my constant trips to the ER's.

Every scar I posses reminds me of everything I've been through. Every scar brings back a memory. I'm not an attention seeker, as many of my school mates so kindly like to point out. Note the sarcasm. I inflict pain on me, yes, but I don't actually consider it a pain. I consider it my escape, the thing that gets me out of the hole I'm in, a hole that keeps getting deeper. Darker. When the blade slides through my skin, all my concentration goes there, keeping my mind from wandering to other not allowed places. Unfortunately, it's considered a sort of taboo among my peers, the very mention of auto-harming bringing uncomfortable moments and awkward silences, and with it the absence of friends.

Nasty thoughts have gone by my head many times but I barely acknowledged them. This time it's different though, this time the word 'suicide' is strong in my mind, this time I know it's a very big option and, right now, one that really seems possible. All I'd have to do is change the direction of the blade. Just upwards, a little blood and I'll die. It looks like I'm ready to die anyway. I'm not conscious of my actions, but this starts to get through to my brain, feeding it stories. Maybe suicide is the best option.

The blade with a few drops of my blood is just sitting peacefully in my hand, unaware of the deadly action it has to perform. Unaware that if I slightly shift it and bring it up the length of my forearm, I will be no more. All my problems will have disappeared, no more worries, no more tears, no more me.

I shiver, already feeling slightly tired from the blood previously drained blood in my wrist. I look up and stare at myself in the mirror. Bloodshot eyes. Dirty face caked with dried tears, new ones replacing them. Yucky snot. My once soft hair knotted up and uneven, from the time my anger surpassed me and I cut off a section of it. My mouth turned downwards, used to being that way after so many months of being present. My eyes look so sad. Not even a spark, just a dull brown.

Suicide would relieve me of all that, but what would I leave behind? Friends I once laughed with, family I once cared for. Friends who once gave me security, family who once loved me.

I don't mind anymore, I ceased to care some time ago. I don't exactly recall when it all started to go wrong. It just did.

I even started to take drugs, but that didn't work out so well so I went back to my old ways. I do take a medicine though, an anti-depressant I think they called it. It makes me fuzzy and I can't think straight, I even imagine stuff sometimes. Well, most times. Okay, maybe almost all the time. It's when I'm not taking it when I turn to myself, thus making me feel emotions and feelings, something the medicine doesn't allow me to feel. It makes me rave and forget everything around me.

I took it only a few hours ago, and suffered it's effects but I'm already starting to feel real life. I can feel the numbness going away and reality settling in slowly, like dusk at the end of the day. I start to shape up and notice the sharp sting in my left wrist and run to clean it up. I've done it again. My wrist stings and red water goes down the pipe, but unfortunately my thoughts with it don't, running again through my head, only this time, this time they acknowledge more people, lessening my hate towards myself.

My hearing slowly gets better and I can hear my mom pounding on the bathroom door. I quickly unlock it open it up. As I stare up into her face, I slowly take in all the details; her tear stained cheeks, puffy red eyes, the way her hair is messy like she has messed it up with her hands in a worried stance too much, her small frown on her mouth and her slightly runny nose. She stares at me for a few seconds and crushes me into a big bear hug, leaving me breathless.

She tells me she's been so worried. That she had been calling me for ever so long and I didn't answer so she came upstairs, only to find the bathroom door locked. She's still saying my name over and over again. I don't know if it's the medicine again, the damn anti-depressant, but I start to zone out, barely hearing her, that is, until what I slightly hear shocks me back to reality again.

"Jamie and Alex are downstairs, worried about you too."

Jamie? Alex? Who are they and why are they worried about a nobody like me? I barely go out and when I do, it's to school, where I'm already high on my medicine and never notice anything else. I visibly recall I had two best friends with similar names, but the rest is a blank. I go downstairs and see two figures staring at me. Suddenly, they rush over and begin asking me if I'm okay, promising me it's all going to get better. Saying nice words about my supposed 'problem'. I get overwhelmed and slightly dizzy while a feeling of nausea takes over.

They see me and quickly take me over to the couch where, surprisingly, my brother is seated at. What is he doing here? I don't dwell too much on that and slide down on the couch. That's when Jamie speaks.

"Wanna know something? We're still here for you, no matter what you do, no matter what you've done. We've been here for you every single day, every step of the day, only to see you distancing yourself from us more and more. Your family agrees with us, we just want you to know we still care for you, we still love you, You have to snap out of it. And now!"

Jamie's always been blunt and never hesitates to tell me off, just like right now. I look around and see the most important people in my life, all helping me out, carrying on for me when I wasn't able to, caring for me, loving me. They are still talking but I'm not even listening to them anymore, and like I usually do, I zone out again, only to have my thoughts take me back to my bathroom, barely half an hour ago. I was going to do it, I was going to commit suicide. End my life.

I was pretty confident before, now, I'm not so sure. I do know that the anti-depressant has played a huge part in it, but I still need that, I still need to survive in this world. Only, now I'm realizing that I'm not alone in this. I have friends, who cares if only two. They are with me now and they'll stay with me. I have family, who sticks with me though thick and thin. They all love me, just as I love them. Yes, suicide is definitely never an option.

Do you know that feeling of desperation? Of not being able to do anything. Not going, not coming.  Not moving.

I did. Now I'm moving forward.

Do you ever feel like you don't belong, no matter where you go, no matter what you do?

I did. Now I've never felt better.

Do you have that feeling when nobody ever listens to you? Almost like speaking to a wall, with an animal being more responsive.

I did. Now I feel like people actually listen to me.

What about when you're with your family? No one listens to you, you're invisible, you're nobody. Not even yourself. You feel like an intruder, falling deeper and deeper into a hole, no one there to catch you, sooth you or help you. Have you ever known that?

I have. But I also know that that feeling goes away.

Your friends? What friends? No one is there, no one ever has been, no one ever will be. Do you feel lost?

I did. I just didn't realize that I was actually with them all along.

Do you belong? Yes
Do you feel safe? Yes
Needed? Wanted? Most definitely.

Forgotten? Not anymore.
Left aside? Never again.

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Hey! Sorry for not uploading earlier, I have lots of started stories but never enough time to finish them and upload. I'm also continuously with exams and that takes a huge toll on me, especially since the minutes I have free are for sleep and social life. Yeah, yeah, I have a social life. Weird, huh? Anyways, here's another post, I hope you've enjoyed it, or at least I hope it's made you think a teeny bit. That's one of the other reasons that I've taken so long to update, it was tough writing this.

Suicide is something serious. Many, many people go through all the emotions and feelings my character has gone through and not so many are lucky enough to survive death like mine. When people suffer, it's sometimes not obvious at all, or you don't think it's that serious. Everyone has their history. And that history may be something that helps them overcome problems, but it can just as well turn around and make your life hell while you remember it, maybe even causing you to end your life, something that should never even be considered an option, basically because life at it is, is something special, we are able to breathe, walk, talk, love, hate, travel, learn and teach. If you are considering that suicide is something you'd like to do, just to end everything, just remember that there is always someone who loves you or at least cares about you. That you're not alone and there's no reason whatsoever to not share your life with someone else. If may be dark right now, but that doesn't mean that it won't be bright and shiny in a future, maybe even a near future. I know it's old, but seriously, I can promise you right now that it WILL get better. I know everyone says that but it's just obstacles you have to jump over, the biggest one being yourself. If you're doubting, remember that no matter how strong everyone around you is, no matter how defenseless you feel, no matter how you think you're not strong enough to do anything, remember that you are probably the strongest person that exists, you can overcome anything. And it's true, you can. All those people around you, they all have their problems, they all suffer too and maybe they look strong because the want to be strong. You have to want to do something, to do it. All you have to do is believe in yourself.

I love you, and thank you for reading. I'll try to update as soon as possible and please comment. Just to know your opinions, your thoughts or even your criticism. I want to get to know you and share my writing with you, and I'm here for whatever you need, that's why there's an anonymous option. Every time someone comments, I'm filled with warmth, so please comment.

Stay happy.

Esther Alós © All rights reserved 

Love me, please

My heart aches, and I can barely breath.

I want to cry, I want to shout, I want do hit something. But I can't. There's this knot in my chest, and it keeps getting worse. I want to move but I'm still, I can't move. My body refuses to let me move, my feet don't respond my brain and my arms don't follow orders. I'm just in shock.

Dennis just broke up with me. I can still remember those painful words he told me. He said that things had changed between us, that he could tell I had changed my feelings towards him and that he couldn't be in a relationship with someone who didn't care for him any longer. I was stricken when he said that and walked off. He was so wrong.

I love Dennis with all my little heart and I can't bear that he is no longer mine, that I can no longer push his soft brown hair out of his eyes. That I can't give him a little peck when he's near or that we can't hold hands.

It is true that lately I've been distant with him, but that's because I'm worried. I'm worried that he has stopped feeling about me the same way, that he now loves someone else. I guess I was right. I worried he would leave me and that's exactly what he did. I wonder what's her name, if she's pretty or if she loves him maybe only half as I do. I doubt she loves him more than I do.

Maybe she'll lean into him and they'll cuddle up together while watching the sunset, you know, all that typical mushy stuff they say in the movies. Maybe they'll hold hands and walk together. But they won't ever be the same as us. She wont look into his eyes and be captured in another universe, she won't know his sudden mood-swings or how he was when he was little. They'll never be like we were. And at the same time that heartens me, it brings me down. I don't want Dennis to be unhappy, but I'm selfish and I want that happiness to be because of me and for me.

I love him so much and it's my own fault he has left me. He thought I had stopped loving him, and for that reason gave up on me. I don't know how I'm going to get through the next day, seeing him in school and not talking to him for the first time in several years.

*The next day*

I catch my breath when I see him, dressed in his grey jeans and light blue t-shirt. He looks so normal yet he still captivates me every time I see him, he has done that since the very first day, when we were only kids and he threw the lunch my mother had prepared for me all over the floor and I burst out crying. I can still remember his face when he saw my tears and brushed them away, a guilty look in his eyes. I didn't know how much someone could love another person then. Over the years we became inseparable and told each other everything, and then our friendship slowly became something else. We became dependent on the other and jealous when we weren't close together or when someone else flashed one of us a cocky and flirty smile.

He catches me looking and changes his expression, into one I can't recognize, and I've seen many of his different faces. This one carries some sort of hate and disappointment, as well as regret. I can tell there is still a special type of love in his brown, deep eyes. I can guess my own expression and I know it isn't good, I feel like I've let him down but I don't know why. I want to get closer to him but I know that if I do that, he'll only run away.

I decide to do it anyway and start getting closer to him. As I'm close I can see in his eyes a flash of pain which makes me momentarily stop, but that only makes me more determined to figure out all of this. I just want to get back with him, forget whatever had me worrying, assure him that my feelings were the same as ever, if not more than before. I want to tell him I still love him, that I've only been distant these past few days because I thought he didn't love me, basically because he was being distant too. We were both wrong.

As I step even closer to him, I see a flash of blond hair on my right heading straight towards Dennis. My breath catches in my throat as I see her lean into him and give him a peck on the cheek. God! It was only yesterday we broke up and he's already with somebody else. A badly dyed, chest-operated, flouncy and snob blond. Okay, maybe the poor girl isn't actually that bad but I'm really pissed of here so give me a break. My mouth is still gaping open when he turns towards me. He sees my face and is immediately alarmed, panicking away. This time, my eyes do win me over and start to tickle and burn, I can't cry in front of him. Eyes, hang on! Don't cry, I keep repeating. Too late... Tears start running down my cheeks and I can't be in front of the new couple anymore. So I do what's in my nature, I flee.

*Dennis' P.O.V.*

Shit! May! Oh, god. She can't have just seen that. She doesn't even know who Jenny is. She's probably freaking out right now. I look into her eyes. Man, sometimes I hate being right. Her eyes are brimming and it looks like soon the damns will break. And there I go again, being right. She rushes off and I'm heartbroken. She doesn't know Jenny, I meant to tell her about it but never got around to do it, especially after the fight and the break-up.

She has to believe me! She has to, she has to! I can't lose her. I've always been on the shy side though with her it's as though I'm in another world, a world where everything is trust and laughter. A world where I can actually be happy and not have to worry about my family or what people are going to say about me. I can be safe with her. Safe and happy.

 I look down to my grubby shoes and swear once again. I hate to swear but I can't lose her. At least not as a friend, I don't want her out of my life. Heck! I don't even want to stop going out with her but I had to do it. I don't want to love someone so bad only to not have them love you back. I thought I knew May, and I thought she loved me. I actually thought she loved me back but I guess her attitude lately with me just proves I was wrong. Maybe I didn't contribute much but she started being weird and all sort of like silent last week and maybe she realized I wasn't worth it anymore. I hate being insecure. And I hate that I adore May with every fiber of my being, with every speck of dust on this planet, with every millimeter of my bruising heart.

I'm pretty sure she thought wrong about Jenny, actually, I'm absolutely confident she did. There's no way on Earth that I would cheat on her, even less with Jenny. Disgusting. That must have hurt her but going after her would only make things worse, I know her and she has probably run somewhere not even I know, just to be alone. She doesn't love me anymore, that's the only thought in my head.

I just want her to love me. To come back to me.

*May's P.O.V.*

I run blindly, almost crashing a few times and I'm pretty sure that tomorrow I'll wake up with bruises. I don't even know where I'm going, I only know I'm going where my feet are taking me. A route I lately use a lot. As I start to see more clearly I realize that I'm heading towards the park where I used to go to when I was little. A park that holds many, many memories for me. It was where I went to before I knew Dennis, where I used to spend endless hours by myself, playing with the sand or swings and watching as other children ignored me and only went with their own friends. Friends I never had, but always wanted.

This week it's been my hiding place, the only place I know Dennis won't come to look for me. I'm pretty sure he doesn't even remember that this was where we met. That time oh so long ago that he threw my sandwich on the floor and then brushed away my tears. That slight moment when things happen for a reason but you don't know when or why. As I sit on the swing once again, his face flashes into my mind again and I sigh. How can you love somebody who doesn't love you back. And that blond, oh that blond. I want to run into his arms but I know he wants to be alone. I know he doesn't want me around. I go to a bench and lay down, not wanting anyone to see me.

I just want him to love me. To come back to me.

*Dennis' P.O.V.*

I don't want to be alone. I want her to me with me, around me and clung to me. A smile slips as I remember the many times we've taken a nap together and she's there with her legs and arms wrapped around me, like hanging on for dear life. Then, as soon as it came, it goes, when I realize she won't be doing that anymore. She doesn't love me.

I decide to talk a walk. After some time, and lots of thoughts rushing through my mind, I find myself in a park. A normal looking park, except for the fact that it had rusty swings and damaged slides.

Even the little figures kids could get up on were old and one could tell that it hadn't been used for a long time. There was even a seesaw, but it looked as if nobody had gotten on it and made it swing up and down for a very long time.

It reminds me of the days I ran around with May, just enjoying life and screaming our heads off. I doubt that park still exists. I do remember sweet, bright grass getting into our clothes and mouths, while we were rolling around laughing hysterically.

As I was coming I though I saw someone in the same park I'm in, but seeing as there's nobody here I guess it was just my imagination. It could be because I was distracted though, because I can't stop thinking about May. 

May was probably the only woman I've ever loved. What am I saying? IS, she is the only woman I'll ever love.

I still remember the first day I saw her; she was close to the swings in some sort of park, eating a sandwich I guess her mother had made her. Of course, at that age, girls were viewed as germs, so I did what any boy my age would do. I ran up to her and threw the sandwich on the floor, just to laugh a bit. Little did I know that when I saw her teary eyes and trembling bottom lip, I would be filled up with guilt and warmth towards her. I swept away her tears and haven't left her side since then. The first time I loved her was then and I fell in love with her few minutes after, when I told her a joke and she laughed, with a smile so precious and beautiful it could make any negative feelings inside you disappear. Her mouth was her bow and her arrow was her smile, diving straight for my heart. One shot and she hit the bulls eye. 

The park looks so lonely, like a lost puppy after just being separated from it's mother. What I can imagine was once a splendid park, blooming in glory with loads of kids running around had become another place for teenagers to roll around in while getting drunk. It had obviously been through splendid times, only to age and be forgotten as it's once loyal followers age with it.

I realize all I've done is just stand there doing nothing, thank god nobody was actually watching me, so I make my way over to a bench near some bushes and sit down, accidentally making a twig snap, before lying down on it, just so I can gaze at the clouds floating above me, flying freely and wishing it was me, with May.

*May's P.O.V.*

Someone's in the park with me. I can hear him and yes, I do know it's a him, even if it's only because of the heavy footsteps I hear, knowing quite well that no girl can make that sound. I am still, not wanting to make a sound and close my eyes, hoping he'll just leave and let me get on with my sulking, the tears have long gone.

Before I realize, I wake up. I must have snoozed off a bit although not much, the sun is almost in the same place it was before and the slight shade the tree nearby is giving me has barely shifted. I suddenly hear a sniff and I'm on alert again, he hasn't left. Unfortunately for me, it sounds very close, almost as if he were beside me. I slowly sit up and look around, not seeing anybody but gasp when I look down and find myself gazing into the greenest eyes I have ever seen, eyes that I know exactly who they're from. Dennis. It's the only word in my head. Dennis' eyes grow large as they recognize me, but they never leave my own. They are locked together, his hand has moved up and is cupping my cheek, while my thoughts are replaced by Ed Sheeran's Autumn Leaves (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r98svcsH9fs). It's the perfect song for us right now, when yesterday he was mine and today he's hers.

I'm shocked to see that his eyes are a bit red, probably relating to the sniff I heard earlier. Dennis never cries, he doesn't m¡want to let water win him over, he never has so seeing the remains of what might have been a slight cry makes me think that maybe, just maybe he still loves me, enough to cry. Neither of us make a sound, wanting to to something but at the same time scared to do it. He clears his throat and begins to speak in a raspy voice, the raspy voice that I have bean hearing for years and love.

*Dennis' P.O.V.*

"May", I whisper, making it barely audible.

"May. Oh, my May. My little drop of sunshine in the rain", I say, referring to a joke between us, seeing as her name is May and in May  there are many, many storms, through which May and I have gone through together. Never mind, I get it.

I know she is waiting for me to say something. I obviously need to say something but I can't bring myself to do it, it's too painful to have the love of my life in front of me, knowing she doesn't love me back. Her hazel eyes are puffy, swollen and red, giving away that she has been crying, and by the looks of it, for quite a long time. I feel a sickening in my stomach, knowing that this is because of me.

"Jenny"

"Jenny? What do you mean Jenny?" She looks at me, puzzled.

"She's the blond you saw earlier on. I swear we have nothing. There is nothing between us. I don't care about her like I care about you. She's just someone who won't stop following me, I'd never have anything with her. In fact, she's just like my little sister, that's all she is to me. I'm just going to risk everything to tell you, I love you May, I've never loved anyone else. There never was anyone else for me, just you. I'm serious May, I don't care if you don't feel the same way. Well, of course I mind, I mean if you don't love me back It will hurt but I'm trying to understand, to make you feel okay with this. So n a special sort of way it doesn't really matter if you love me or not. What I'm trying to say is that I love you over everything else. You are that part of me that without it I would feel empty. Without you I can't do anything in life. May, don't cry. Look at me honey, I don't care if you don't love me back, I'll accept that even if it hurts, so don't feel guilty." I get the words mixed up and I highly doubt she caught what I was trying to tell her.

May is looking at me with tears in her eyes again. I stand up and walk around the bushes that separated us. As I sit down with her on the bench, I take her hands and hold them in mine, while not letting go of her eyes. I don't know if what I've just said actually means anything to her. After all these years and I still don't know what she is thinking right now. It's so frustrating. Maybe I'm too late, maybe she's already let me go, maybe she's realized I'm no longer worth it, or that her new boyfriend is better. She sees me staring off and catches my attention again my clicking her fingers together. As I stare back at her, millions of thoughts running through my head I realize she has stopped crying and is smiling. Actually smiling.

*May's P.O.V.*

Wow. For a few moments back then I couldn't say anything, let alone show any emotion. After Dennis comes around and sits next to me I begin to swallow his words, and understand what he is telling me. He loves me! I'm probably smiling like a fool right now, oh well. He loves me, he loves me. We both should have listened to the other, that way no misunderstandings could take place. Relationships are all about trus and communication, so if you have a problem, just go talk it out.

I don't even bother replying. I gently cup his cheek and lean into him. Dennis sees me and leans in too. Our foreheads are together and we're looking into each other's eyes.

"I love you too", I say before joining our lips.

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sorry for the sappy ending, I just adore cute things like these. It actually was much much longer,Jenny was going to do stuff and there were more people involved but that would have been way too long, especially since this isn't a story I'm updating chapters on. And well of course there's the fact that I lost it...yeah, you can kill me.... I forgot to save. Whoopsie.

Misunderstandings can lead to many bad things. Whether you're in a relationship or with your friends try to keep those misunderstandings to the minimum so no one gets hurt.

I also want to say sorry. Sorry for putting a post up like more than a month later since the last. When I lost this post and had to rewrite it entirely,I sort of lost my motivation to keep writing with it.Especially when I barely get any comments, I don't know, it just isn't very motivating. I'm also thinking of writing a story parallel to the posts I post, meaning I'll still post stuff, random stories and all that but at the same time a story. The thing is, I wouldn't know what to write about and if a story would be well received. That's where you guys come in, Do you want me to write a sort of mini-novel or not? If so, what are your ideas for it?

Anyway thanks again for reading my blog and please, pretty please with a cherry on the top, please comment.

Love you

P.S. Changed the blog a bit

Esther Alós © All rights reserved 

If you love something, don't play with it

"Stop being so stubborn, for god's sake, Lauren!", Jake practically screams in my ear.

"Dude, relax 'k?", I'm not interested in what he has to say. I've already heard enough of his shit and I won't listen to anything else he has to say.

It's always the same thing. He screws up and expects me to run into his arms once he apologizes but that isn't going to happen this time. He thinks he can go around flirting with other girls. I know he and I aren't anything official, that we aren't dating and that we aren't a couple. It's his way, he doesn't like to date people and we never said anything about us being together but it does sort of look like we're together. I mean, we go to the cinema or to get something to eat, but that usually happens when we meet outside school or we bump into each other accidentally.

"I am not going to relax! You know perfectly well that I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! What do I have to do to make you forgive me?"

I don't know if he actually means it. With Jake I can never tell if he only says that sort of thing to me because he wants me to believe it or because that really comes from his heart. I never know if it is true or just another lie of his.

I looked at him, my gaze hard and firm,
"Leave. Leave right now and don't bother to come back"

On the outside it looked as if it were all okay, as if I was actually calm as it seemed. But I wasn't. I was trembling, and on the verge of tears. I'd never done this before. Guys had always left me, never I them. I had never felt this way, Jake was someone who had changed all my plans, turned them around and flipped them upside down. Barely two or three months had passed since I had met him, but he still has that effect on me. I have to control my emotions and not let him get away with this. I know that if we keep talking, the tears that are beginning to swell up will probably fall loose and no way on Earth do I want him to know that this is actually affecting me. I have to be strong. He has already controlled me and messed up my mind enough as it is.

He looks at me and his eyes are full of sorrow. I feel pain in my chest. His pain is transferring into my heart and I'm weakening. It isn't fair. His eyes leave mine and look down at the floor.

"I didn't know that side of you Laurie, you really are kicking me out of my house, my room. After all we've been through, after the endless nights of sleep, after the long conversations, the cuddles, the kisses, those perfect nights." He comes closer to me, speaking in a soft tone, muddling my thoughts yet again. As he lifts my chin up he says,

"My little Lauren Allen, look at me in the eyes, come on beautiful. That's it. Look at me in the eyes while I tell you this. I'm telling you this because I mean it. I can't bear to be away from you. I know I don't date and I've been fighting my feelings for some time now, but I don't think I can keep doing that. I guess these few months have done more to me than I thought. In the beginning we were friends with benefits an I was fine with that but now that feeling of having someone always there for you sort of grew. I can't believe I'm going to say this, I think... No, actually, I know. Lauren, I love you."

I gasp, definitely not expecting this. I'd never imagine him saying that. I'm in shock right now. Him, Jake Wood, just told me he loves me. Jake takes advantage of the situation and gets closer to me. I can feel his warm breath heating my lips, only centimeters away. He closes the distance between us and kisses me. My eyes inevitably close as I enjoy the kiss. Our mouths are intertwined, our tongues playing with each other.

I want to get away, I want to tell him this is wrong. I want to push him off and tell him he can't fix problems this way. But I can't. He is too much for me. He overpowers me and I lose myself to him, ignoring my subconscious one again.

The room is heating up and his hands gently slip down from my face to my back to start tugging my t-shirt out from beneath my jeans. We lean out from each other a moment, so he can pull it of and almost automatically our mouths lock together again. His t-shirt is out soon too and before we know it we are on his bed. It is obvious that both our pants don't fit in the picture anymore. We barely waste a minute taking the other one's off.

We lie down, him on top of me, and we separate a bit. Jake looks down at me, his hair slightly tousled by my hands earlier on. He slowly starts running his hands across my tummy, creating shivers and slight sighs that come out of my mouth. He knows me well. He brings his mouth close to my ear and whispers stupid, slightly dirty things to me which, I hate to admit, turn me on. I know he is already aroused, I can tell by the mini-Jake shaped like budge wanting to escape his boxers.

 I decide to make him suffer and make him pay for torturing me. My hand goes up to his aroused member and softly touches it, over the boxers and hardly enough to make him feel my hand. But brushing over it gives me the response I was waiting for as he closes his eyes and slowly leans into me. I move my hand around that part without moving it any closer and a sigh escapes his mouth. I remove my hand and he opens his eyes, a confused look in his eyes. I know he is hungry for more, I know he is. He whimpers like a lost puppy when he can tell my hand isn't going back.

He whispers my name in a questioning stance. I grin at him and giggle a bit. It's really funny to see him this way, helpless and lonely. He sees my grin and the way I'm holding back my laughter and rolls back in laughter himself. He then suddenly picks me up and throws me back against the bed and starts tickling me. I roll around in laughter, clutching my sides, barely breathing and his lusty laugh joins me.

After a few moments we remain quiet, lying peacefully beside each other, enjoying the silence. He then turns to me, his smile different now, more intense, and draws me to him, to continue what had been paused earlier on. This time, it is my bra that comes off.

We both have that need now, pushing us to accomplish something. Driving us. We don't waste anymore time and take off the few clothes we had on still. After sliding the key to us not having children right now on, he slips into me with a cocky smile, provoking a sigh that escapes my lips as my thighs reach up to him.

After continuous strokes and pleasure, with the final moan we collapse on top of each other, smiling at the other's smile.

I feel relaxed ans safe with him, yet he still drives me mad when he does stupid stuff. We always end up the way we just ended up. It's like he can control me, use me and then throw me away. Yet still, I take the bait while he rows me in. Why do I do that? I should learn to control my hormones. But with him, it's as if I turn into another woman, dependent on him and boy does that make me mad.

I can't believe I just did this again with him. I don't want to be here anymore, I don't want to be in his clutches again, falling time after time. I stand up quickly and feel his gaze on my bare body as I rush around picking up my clothes from the floor. I don't turn around, I already know that he has a self-satisfied grin on his handsome face.I want to punch it and I know that if I were a boy I'd already have done it. How does he manipulate me this way, I'm just another one of his games. Something to help pass the time and never more than that. Once again, I feel used, a feeling that usually comes with him.

After putting on my clothes, I turn around and give him a hard stare.

"No more using me. I'm serious now, Jake. I'm leaving now and this time I'm not coming back. I've had enough of you and your stupid games. There are lots of girls around, and one of those that you are looking for is on the corner of any street. I won't be that type of girl with shattered dreams anymore, it's over between you and I."

As I start going down the stairs, I'm reminded once more of the song 'Because of you' from Kelly Clarkson. This will be just another faded memory, with no need to remember it any longer. The song will no longer be true for me. It's time for a change. Of life. Of him.

....

My mouth is still in a smirk as I watch her leave my room, her hair messed up. But the frown appears when I realize she really is serious. I just assumed that she'd forgive me, like she always does. I guess this time she really is fed up with me. And no wonder she is like that. I screw up everything I do. I've lost her, my little Lauren.

I have to admit in the beginning she really was one of the many girls that passed through my room, pastimes all of them. But as I grew to know her better, I realized I really loved her. She had captured my loner of a heart. And now that bright spark in my life is gone. I know her too well to know that there aren't any chances of her coming back to me, she is really stubborn.I had been honest with her earlier on but I don't blame her for not believing it. I've used that lie too many times

I wrap the sheets around me, they still smell of her. I really do love her.

What is wrong with me! I punch my pillow. Maybe all this was meant to be, maybe I was meant to hurt her so in the end she could hurt me, the way no-one else had ever done. And in this moment I realize. I can't keep playing with girls. And I can't keep controlling them, as if I were better than them. The only person I have loved just gave me a down to earth lesson.

Maybe it's time I change, maybe it's time to turn around my life. I will always remember her as the girl who changed my life, changed my plans and changed me. There might be hope for everyone. Everyone like me. It's clear enough; if you play with something you love, you'll lose it. People should know that, I should have known that. People suffer when they shouldn't. No more playing with something loved, no more screwing around. That never leads to anything good.I lay back on my bed and close my eyes.

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Hey! How are you all doing?

So anyway, some of my friends had been asking me to write something related to sex, and since it is sort of a taboo in this society, at least to say it out loud (or written), I agreed. I'd actually never written nothing related to this subject so it was a new experience for me hahaha (sorry if it's a bit crappy, I tried my best. I could have continued the sexual part but I felt it was two much, at least for now) But I also wanted there to be some sort of lesson, at least help, to those reading. And well, out came Jake and with him Lauren. I hope you enjoyed the story/weird tale.

Here go my questions; Has anything like this ever happened to you? If it has, nobody is forcing you to talk about it but it would be nice to share some opinions. Do you think Jake will actually change? And if so, change into what? I love reading your comments. I do hope you'll want to comment.

The usual, if you want me to tell you that there's a new post my twitter and ask are the links on the left.

I don't know if I'll upload before New Year so I'll wish you now a very happy and wonderful New year and enjoy it's many opportunities.

I love you and thanks for reading

Esther Alós © All rights reserved 

Pure Self

A group of people had stopped to stare at them. At the couple. A girl and a boy. Subconsciously they had arranged themselves into a circle around the girl and boy. The girl blushed, she was really shy, especially in front of a big crowd. The boy stepped closer to her and whispered in her left ear;

" Crystal. Honey, I'm here okay? You aren't alone, I'm doing this with you. Just forget the rest of them, act like they aren't even there. Just concentrate on yourself, never mind anyone else."

She nodded and slipped away from him, still trembling with nervousness. It wasn't that she hadn't ever been in front of such a big audience, what's more, she had been in front of even more people. It was the nerves that started up every time, at first they were only little butterflies fluttering around in her stomach, but then they started to turn into big bugs whopping around as if they owned the place.

David looked at her, looking for any sign that assured him she was fine. She stared up into his face, the face she had been glad to call her own a few years back. When she first met David, their relationship had been like any other; they met, they flirted, and they started dating. It was all very romantic but unfortunately all that died away, and they ended up not feeling the same things they had felt in the beginning. At the end their relationship had evolved to them being best friends, almost to the point that they called themselves brother and sister. They were they only people they had and were always there for the other one.

Crystal closed her eyes and breathed deeply. This was her moment. Her time to shine. Her universe.

The music started to play and it seeped through her body, penetrating her bones as if it were the wind playing sounds and melodies while making patterns through the rocks at the beach on a windy day. It began to drench her like rain pouring on to her fragile and tiny body. At the same time it made her grow. It made her feel strong and it held her up. Since she was little it had been her source of energy, it had been what cured her on those lonely nights after her father had died and her mother had taken to drinking, wasting all their hard-earned money on endless bottles of whisky and vodka, never coming home without being drunk. It had been her only partner and friend when she cleaned up after her mother or when her school mates laughed at her. It had become her life and her way of living, especially after a neighbor had taken pity on her and introduced her for the first time to a ballet class.

That was when her absolute happiness had started. Since then she had improved in every aspect and gained a skill almost unknown to any one else.She had gained self confidence and energy that spurted out every time she heard music. She didn't dance to any particular type of music. She had long gone past that and mixed up different types of music, from ballet and hip-hop, to funky and ball room dances. The only thing that mattered to her was that it was music, that it was her essence.

She started to move slowly with the music, taking in little by little the rhythm, swaying and rocking from one side to another, slightly turning her head too, depending to which side she moved her body to. Then she started with the arms, gracefully lifting them up to the sky and creating patterns with her hands following her feet and legs.

To all those watching it seemed as though they had a swan in front of them. A beautiful swan dancing through their souls, as if it were gliding through the water slightly rising it's wings and creating a breeze that barely sprayed the water close to it.

Crystal felt like a white, pure swan as well, while she flowed though all her movements that were so smooth and so natural, while still being an elegant swan poised to show the world how it was nature itself in it's purest state. And she was sure that was what people were seeing too, as she lived through every move she made, curving and bending in spirals while turning and bowing.

It was appealing and it took your breath away to see her live every small step she took, the way she rose and fell to the music, with every motion and gesture, stirring every heart and giving it warmth while freezing the world around her. Stirring old memories and moments and just feeling the pleasure to see her and feel the dance and melody with her.

She flowed from one move into another, smooth as a summer lake at dawn, or maybe a sheet of ice, sometimes overlapping one movement onto the previous like waves fighting to reach the shore before the other did, but at the same time making it a precious moment in time.

Crystal wasn't even seeing anyone around her. She was in her own place, enjoying this gift life had given her. Eyes closed and body moving, it wasn't her anymore, it was a life itself lighting up her insides so nobody else mattered.

She slowly came to a halt, slightly sweating, with her cheeks flushed with emotion. She opened her eyes and a tear came out .Everybody standing there watching her perform her art started to clap their hearts out.

She wished this feeling on every one of those standing there cheering her on. It was a feeling of being in love with what you did, a feeling of enjoying it and living every second of it. If only people realized that life was about doing what you want, what you care for and taking joy in what you did, just as she had just done.

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Maybe life isn't all about living to it's fullest like most people say, but it's more about enjoying it to the point where you forget everything that surounds you, when only you exist. Only yourself and that thing which fills you up inside. Something that gives you passion and perfection.

Did you like this post? What are your opinions? I do have a question. Think about what really makes you happy, what fill you up inside and makes you enjoy like almost nothing else does. Think about it and comment below, it doesn't have to be something, it could just as well be someone.

Any way, how is your Christmas going? Did Santa Claus bring you anything? Mine brought me some books, makeup and clothes. I do hope you are having a great time. MERRY CHRISTMAS!

And all that usual stuff, my twitter is @estherturbi and you can ask me anything or just chat with me. The same goes for my ask. The links are on the left.

Love you all

Esther Alós © All rights reserved