I apologize for the next post if it makes you feel...um, sad or depressed. Those are not my intentions, I can promise you that. The song is there because it goes with the story. If it makes you uncomfortable I also apologize, if you're squeamish too. I tried to bring it down a bit. I just felt it was necessary. Read Author's note at the end, it's important.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0U0AlLVqpk
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0U0AlLVqpk
Suicide: the act of intentionally causing one's own death.
Do you know that feeling of desperation? Of not being able to do anything. Not going, not coming. Not moving.
I do.
Do you ever feel like you don't belong, no matter where you go, no matter what you do?
I do.
Do you have that feeling when nobody ever listens to you? Almost like speaking to a wall, with an animal being more responsive.
I do.
What about when you're with your family? No one listens to you, you're invisible, you're nobody. Not even yourself. You feel like an intruder, falling deeper and deeper into a hole, no one there to catch you, sooth you or help you. Have you ever known that?
I have.
Your friends? What friends? No one is there, no one ever has been, no one ever will be. Do you feel lost?
I do.
Do you belong? No.
Do you feel safe? No
Needed? Wanted? No. And well, no.
Do you feel safe? No
Needed? Wanted? No. And well, no.
Forgotten? Yeah
Left aside? That too.
Left aside? That too.
I'm in my bathroom, alone, as always. My wrists aren't normal anymore. Too much time has passed. Too many cuts have been made. Too many bruises. So much has changed. I know blood is sweeping out through a few cuts, even more out of the recent ones. It's been a long time since I last cared about getting everything dirty. Many of my clothes are impregnated with dark spots, because I couldn't be bothered enough to throw them in the dirty-laundry basket. It's not as if anyone cares if they're like that.
My mother? Oh, she's here. Just not here for me. My father? Never home. My brother? Well, I guess jail is going great for him. He might have escaped, only his 'friends' would know. I have a feeling my mother is seriously worried about him, never mind my constant trips to the ER's.
Every scar I posses reminds me of everything I've been through. Every scar brings back a memory. I'm not an attention seeker, as many of my school mates so kindly like to point out. Note the sarcasm. I inflict pain on me, yes, but I don't actually consider it a pain. I consider it my escape, the thing that gets me out of the hole I'm in, a hole that keeps getting deeper. Darker. When the blade slides through my skin, all my concentration goes there, keeping my mind from wandering to other not allowed places. Unfortunately, it's considered a sort of taboo among my peers, the very mention of auto-harming bringing uncomfortable moments and awkward silences, and with it the absence of friends.
Nasty thoughts have gone by my head many times but I barely acknowledged them. This time it's different though, this time the word 'suicide' is strong in my mind, this time I know it's a very big option and, right now, one that really seems possible. All I'd have to do is change the direction of the blade. Just upwards, a little blood and I'll die. It looks like I'm ready to die anyway. I'm not conscious of my actions, but this starts to get through to my brain, feeding it stories. Maybe suicide is the best option.
The blade with a few drops of my blood is just sitting peacefully in my hand, unaware of the deadly action it has to perform. Unaware that if I slightly shift it and bring it up the length of my forearm, I will be no more. All my problems will have disappeared, no more worries, no more tears, no more me.
I shiver, already feeling slightly tired from the blood previously drained blood in my wrist. I look up and stare at myself in the mirror. Bloodshot eyes. Dirty face caked with dried tears, new ones replacing them. Yucky snot. My once soft hair knotted up and uneven, from the time my anger surpassed me and I cut off a section of it. My mouth turned downwards, used to being that way after so many months of being present. My eyes look so sad. Not even a spark, just a dull brown.
Suicide would relieve me of all that, but what would I leave behind? Friends I once laughed with, family I once cared for. Friends who once gave me security, family who once loved me.
I don't mind anymore, I ceased to care some time ago. I don't exactly recall when it all started to go wrong. It just did.
I even started to take drugs, but that didn't work out so well so I went back to my old ways. I do take a medicine though, an anti-depressant I think they called it. It makes me fuzzy and I can't think straight, I even imagine stuff sometimes. Well, most times. Okay, maybe almost all the time. It's when I'm not taking it when I turn to myself, thus making me feel emotions and feelings, something the medicine doesn't allow me to feel. It makes me rave and forget everything around me.
I took it only a few hours ago, and suffered it's effects but I'm already starting to feel real life. I can feel the numbness going away and reality settling in slowly, like dusk at the end of the day. I start to shape up and notice the sharp sting in my left wrist and run to clean it up. I've done it again. My wrist stings and red water goes down the pipe, but unfortunately my thoughts with it don't, running again through my head, only this time, this time they acknowledge more people, lessening my hate towards myself.
My hearing slowly gets better and I can hear my mom pounding on the bathroom door. I quickly unlock it open it up. As I stare up into her face, I slowly take in all the details; her tear stained cheeks, puffy red eyes, the way her hair is messy like she has messed it up with her hands in a worried stance too much, her small frown on her mouth and her slightly runny nose. She stares at me for a few seconds and crushes me into a big bear hug, leaving me breathless.
She tells me she's been so worried. That she had been calling me for ever so long and I didn't answer so she came upstairs, only to find the bathroom door locked. She's still saying my name over and over again. I don't know if it's the medicine again, the damn anti-depressant, but I start to zone out, barely hearing her, that is, until what I slightly hear shocks me back to reality again.
She tells me she's been so worried. That she had been calling me for ever so long and I didn't answer so she came upstairs, only to find the bathroom door locked. She's still saying my name over and over again. I don't know if it's the medicine again, the damn anti-depressant, but I start to zone out, barely hearing her, that is, until what I slightly hear shocks me back to reality again.
"Jamie and Alex are downstairs, worried about you too."
Jamie? Alex? Who are they and why are they worried about a nobody like me? I barely go out and when I do, it's to school, where I'm already high on my medicine and never notice anything else. I visibly recall I had two best friends with similar names, but the rest is a blank. I go downstairs and see two figures staring at me. Suddenly, they rush over and begin asking me if I'm okay, promising me it's all going to get better. Saying nice words about my supposed 'problem'. I get overwhelmed and slightly dizzy while a feeling of nausea takes over.
They see me and quickly take me over to the couch where, surprisingly, my brother is seated at. What is he doing here? I don't dwell too much on that and slide down on the couch. That's when Jamie speaks.
"Wanna know something? We're still here for you, no matter what you do, no matter what you've done. We've been here for you every single day, every step of the day, only to see you distancing yourself from us more and more. Your family agrees with us, we just want you to know we still care for you, we still love you, You have to snap out of it. And now!"
Jamie's always been blunt and never hesitates to tell me off, just like right now. I look around and see the most important people in my life, all helping me out, carrying on for me when I wasn't able to, caring for me, loving me. They are still talking but I'm not even listening to them anymore, and like I usually do, I zone out again, only to have my thoughts take me back to my bathroom, barely half an hour ago. I was going to do it, I was going to commit suicide. End my life.
I was pretty confident before, now, I'm not so sure. I do know that the anti-depressant has played a huge part in it, but I still need that, I still need to survive in this world. Only, now I'm realizing that I'm not alone in this. I have friends, who cares if only two. They are with me now and they'll stay with me. I have family, who sticks with me though thick and thin. They all love me, just as I love them. Yes, suicide is definitely never an option.
Do you know that feeling of desperation? Of not being able to do anything. Not going, not coming. Not moving.
I did. Now I'm moving forward.
Do you ever feel like you don't belong, no matter where you go, no matter what you do?
I did. Now I've never felt better.
Do you have that feeling when nobody ever listens to you? Almost like speaking to a wall, with an animal being more responsive.
I did. Now I feel like people actually listen to me.
What about when you're with your family? No one listens to you, you're invisible, you're nobody. Not even yourself. You feel like an intruder, falling deeper and deeper into a hole, no one there to catch you, sooth you or help you. Have you ever known that?
I have. But I also know that that feeling goes away.
Your friends? What friends? No one is there, no one ever has been, no one ever will be. Do you feel lost?
I did. I just didn't realize that I was actually with them all along.
Do you belong? Yes
Do you feel safe? Yes
Needed? Wanted? Most definitely.
Do you feel safe? Yes
Needed? Wanted? Most definitely.
Forgotten? Not anymore.
Left aside? Never again.
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Hey! Sorry for not uploading earlier, I have lots of started stories but never enough time to finish them and upload. I'm also continuously with exams and that takes a huge toll on me, especially since the minutes I have free are for sleep and social life. Yeah, yeah, I have a social life. Weird, huh? Anyways, here's another post, I hope you've enjoyed it, or at least I hope it's made you think a teeny bit. That's one of the other reasons that I've taken so long to update, it was tough writing this.
Suicide is something serious. Many, many people go through all the emotions and feelings my character has gone through and not so many are lucky enough to survive death like mine. When people suffer, it's sometimes not obvious at all, or you don't think it's that serious. Everyone has their history. And that history may be something that helps them overcome problems, but it can just as well turn around and make your life hell while you remember it, maybe even causing you to end your life, something that should never even be considered an option, basically because life at it is, is something special, we are able to breathe, walk, talk, love, hate, travel, learn and teach. If you are considering that suicide is something you'd like to do, just to end everything, just remember that there is always someone who loves you or at least cares about you. That you're not alone and there's no reason whatsoever to not share your life with someone else. If may be dark right now, but that doesn't mean that it won't be bright and shiny in a future, maybe even a near future. I know it's old, but seriously, I can promise you right now that it WILL get better. I know everyone says that but it's just obstacles you have to jump over, the biggest one being yourself. If you're doubting, remember that no matter how strong everyone around you is, no matter how defenseless you feel, no matter how you think you're not strong enough to do anything, remember that you are probably the strongest person that exists, you can overcome anything. And it's true, you can. All those people around you, they all have their problems, they all suffer too and maybe they look strong because the want to be strong. You have to want to do something, to do it. All you have to do is believe in yourself.
I love you, and thank you for reading. I'll try to update as soon as possible and please comment. Just to know your opinions, your thoughts or even your criticism. I want to get to know you and share my writing with you, and I'm here for whatever you need, that's why there's an anonymous option. Every time someone comments, I'm filled with warmth, so please comment.
Stay happy.
Left aside? Never again.
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Hey! Sorry for not uploading earlier, I have lots of started stories but never enough time to finish them and upload. I'm also continuously with exams and that takes a huge toll on me, especially since the minutes I have free are for sleep and social life. Yeah, yeah, I have a social life. Weird, huh? Anyways, here's another post, I hope you've enjoyed it, or at least I hope it's made you think a teeny bit. That's one of the other reasons that I've taken so long to update, it was tough writing this.
Suicide is something serious. Many, many people go through all the emotions and feelings my character has gone through and not so many are lucky enough to survive death like mine. When people suffer, it's sometimes not obvious at all, or you don't think it's that serious. Everyone has their history. And that history may be something that helps them overcome problems, but it can just as well turn around and make your life hell while you remember it, maybe even causing you to end your life, something that should never even be considered an option, basically because life at it is, is something special, we are able to breathe, walk, talk, love, hate, travel, learn and teach. If you are considering that suicide is something you'd like to do, just to end everything, just remember that there is always someone who loves you or at least cares about you. That you're not alone and there's no reason whatsoever to not share your life with someone else. If may be dark right now, but that doesn't mean that it won't be bright and shiny in a future, maybe even a near future. I know it's old, but seriously, I can promise you right now that it WILL get better. I know everyone says that but it's just obstacles you have to jump over, the biggest one being yourself. If you're doubting, remember that no matter how strong everyone around you is, no matter how defenseless you feel, no matter how you think you're not strong enough to do anything, remember that you are probably the strongest person that exists, you can overcome anything. And it's true, you can. All those people around you, they all have their problems, they all suffer too and maybe they look strong because the want to be strong. You have to want to do something, to do it. All you have to do is believe in yourself.
I love you, and thank you for reading. I'll try to update as soon as possible and please comment. Just to know your opinions, your thoughts or even your criticism. I want to get to know you and share my writing with you, and I'm here for whatever you need, that's why there's an anonymous option. Every time someone comments, I'm filled with warmth, so please comment.
Stay happy.
