They say time can heal anything. But how much time is supposed to pass then? Should I count the seconds since I last saw you or should I count the hours that have passed since the last sunset we saw. I could count the endless minutes spent in your embrace, when the minutes were hours and the hours days, when time meant nothing but a word.
I doubt I could describe what I'm feeling by saying I have a broken heart. It's more of a screaming match against my pillow 3 am. Waiting for water to boil and breaking down because there's still a packet of your favorite tea left that I see when I take mine. It's sitting on the bench because the bus is late and realizing you usually waited with me. Eyes wide open staring at the ceiling in the middle of the night, numb. It's turning on the TV to distract myself, only to find the last episode of the series we never got to finish together.
I miss you.
I'm lost. Lost in the memory of your eyes, the way they lit up as if the sun were shinning in them. Lost in the memories of your mouth, where love crossed physical barriers. Lost in the memory of your ears, your nose, the way you always listened to me and the way you said your favorite smell was mine.
I miss you.
I still remember our lazy days. How we lay on the couch watching reruns between kisses. How we sat at the table in the dining room doing whatever work we had to catch up on, legs brushing between strokes of pencils. How we figured out how to cook that horribly complicated recipe we found online and we ended up having to open all the windows because we burnt it. Those days we wouldn't get out of bed because, outside the covers, only cold waited to attack us, intertwining our legs seeking the warmth of the other.
You're everywhere.
Home doesn't feel like home anymore. There are only empty walls around me, a house that is no longer a home. The bed is desolate without you, and I can't sleep anymore. Maybe one day I'll find that spot in the house where your presence lingers less. But, for now, you're everywhere. It hurts more at night, when I turn around to be in your arms, only to find cold air and empty sheets.
You're everywhere but you're gone.
I didn't think you could do so much damage. I didn't think you could move on so quickly when I can barely form any coherent thoughts about you. I didn't think losing you would tear my world apart. I didn't think that I would break down at random moments during my day. I know it's love. And love has been compared to a flower blooming in spring. I believe in comparing love to a river. To me, love is a river that is eternally flowing, not a spring flower that blooms only once. I just didn't think it would hurt this much.
I love you.
I try to keep myself busy, but I always end up coming back to you. Every time I hesitate, you jump into my thoughts again. I've let go of any physical thing that reminded me of you but I can´t let go of the memories, I can't let go of our walks hand in hand with no destination in mind, I can't let go of your smile. I can't just throw my thoughts in the trash, I can't just walk away from you.
I miss our conversations in the dark of the night, a bowl of popcorn balanced between us. When we would tell our deepest secrets and make fun of each other. I miss our conversations during breakfast, both too sleepy to talk about anything coherently, but trying to mutter plans for the day and wishing luck. I miss our conversations driving back home from having dinner out, talking about what now might have been. Those conversations about our future. The cat we would adopt and the bizarre names we came up with for our children, the first car we would buy together and the toys we would buy at Christmas. How you whispered in my ear, one cold winter night, that we would grow old and cuddle up together on the couch, seeing comfort for our weary limbs and finding it in the touches of the love we would share.
Solitary melancholy.
I feel your ghost standing behind me as I sit for dinner with my parents. You're their ghost too, one constant flashback conversation starter. You're in my brother's mouth, telling me to call you because he found one of the collection cards you gave him. My mother still has hopes of seeing you walk through the door with me, hand in hand, as if you never let go. My father still waits for you so you can fix his old truck together.
My boat is drifting and you left me without the paddles.
I even miss our fights. The adrenaline running through our systems, strong feelings overpowering are sane thoughts. I keep thinking about the way you would say sorry, drawing me in to the honest truth in your eyes. How the harsh words would vanish into our hugs. You were never resentful, while I was brutally honest. And now, I'm the resentful one, despising all the hate between us.
Love is so much more than three words.
I honestly thought we would have the whole world together. I see a picture of a cute animal and my first response is to send it to you. All those inside jokes nobody else got, little comments that would make us roar in laughter. I remember when we were joing around and you said I was your queen and that we would rule the world together. We honestly believed that once, we thought we would conquer everything, anything. But now I just feel alone, lost at sea, and I can't find anything to hold on to. You were once my one stable thing in my life and now I don't know where to hold on. I can't seem to stop bumping into things or forgetting the rest of my sentence. I never knew what people meant when they said they felt lost. Until now.
The walls echo with the silence of your steps. They echo a love left behind. The windows only reflect the fading light in the morning. They reflect what once was. Birds sing empty songs and my body reacts with the absence of your touch. We'll both tell our story one day, to someone else who has taken all our love once again. We'll tell our story one day, remembering only what joy it brought us. We'll tell our story one day, when we no longer break down at the sound of each other's name. We'll tell our story one day, you'll see.
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Long absence, I know. Extremely long. Please forgive me, a lot of stuff has been going on in my life for a while now and I just didn't feel like writing. I'm back again though, and this time I'm staying for a while. For the few people reading this that know me personally, I'd like to repeat that while I do draw inspiration from things happening in my life, that doesn't mean that what I write is based on real events, even if what I write looks like it is.
I love you.
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