Forgotten Love

Anne,

How do I start this letter? I do not know. For it's the first letter I have ever written.

I hold no hope on you reading this letter, for the things I have put you through makes me cringe as I recall them time after time.

The only way of starting this letter would be saying the only thing that matters, I love you.

Before we saw each other for the first time, my life was empty, without meaning. And now, without you, I am nothing again. When you left through the door of that house, my heart shattered into a million pieces. I am ashamed to admit that empty alcoholic bottles litter my house completely, and have been littering it since you slammed that door in my face.

I have not gathered  enough courage to call you back after that disastrous call that took place the afternoon after you flew out of my life and should I try to plead forgiveness, dirt is thrown back to my very face, and fear now overpowers my every move.

I still  recall every second I have spent with you, though I know there are not many memories in your life associated with me. You've been in my life for a few years now, and it's not something I would willingly give up. 

Though I admit to making a mistake, I'm only human, and such mistakes, though not commonly, do occur, and mine was a minuscule one. I know if you're reading this, you're shaking your head no, it's a habit you have, to show your emotions before you even say them. And I know your eyes are clouded over, sad and tired, for you have never been able to hold in your tears for more than a minute. And I know you have been crying, we always seem to end up this way, with you crying and slamming the door, while I roll around in shame for yet another mistake I have committed.

You don't agree with the contents of this letter, you just think with rage and anger, overwhelmed by my misdoings. And I know. I know they're not only a few, but many and many, continuous over time.

I do not know what to say to you, I only know that sorry is not enough to make up for all the sins I have committed, yet what else to do is beyond me. I came to you as a broken man and with your love I became sane again. I tried to be the best man I could ever dream of being, only for you, but I wan't strong enough, I wasn't able to become the man you wanted me to be. I tried really hard to change for you but you only kept uncovering the nasty side of me until you grew tired and left, like all who have come to know me. I don't blame you, I never have. I only blame myself. For being unworthy of you and not being able to give you what you deserve. You are beautiful and full of life, so unlike any other I have ever seen. You stand up for yourself and you stood up for me, when no one else would. You found me in a somewhat desperate situation and held on to me, while all I did was destroy you.

And that's the tragic truth, it was you who found me, though it should have been the other way around. I should have found you. And I started to, I really did, but you've come to know me, you now I'm not consistent with anything, though I tried with you, and lasted longer than I expected, even if there were obstacles in the way.

I love you with all my rotten heart, more than seeds love the wind, more than a garden loves its flowers. I love you so much my stomach works up a state of agitation when I see you or when I hear your name. Please love me back, even if it's only a small portion of my own love.

My dear Anne, forgive me, forgive this worthless father of yours. Forgive an old man begging for a second chance with his daughter, Forgive me for leaving you as a child, for being a drunken mess in your presence, for never being your father properly.

I wrote you this letter. I did not know how to start, let alone how it was going to come out. But I did it, I did it for you. I did it for my little girl who's grown to be a beautiful woman. For no one else would I write a letter, for no one else would I express my love so deeply like I would for you.

With a bleeding heart,

Your father.

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I'm sure quite a lot of you have already begun 2015, so happy new year! I've still have a few hours to go, but I'm already excited for the clock to strike midnight. I wish all of you a perfect year, or as perfect as you can make it, and a very merry Christmas.

Thank you to anyone and everyone who has been reading my blog over the last year, and even more to those who have been with me longer. I started writing for myself, to express myself and let go of emotions. I still do that now, but you are a big part of what I write. I now write for you too.

Thank you to those who have left comments, it's something I really love doing, reading your opinions and thoughts. And to the silent readers out there too, for you are also special to me. Thank you to those who have spread my blog, even if it was only mentioning it to a friend. And I give a huge thank you to all of my own friends who have been supporting my blog and have had patience with my nagging them to read it.

I love you all. Comment, share, read and enjoy. May 2015 be awesome to everyone.

  Esther Alós © All rights reserved