Ive been through a lot, but im still smiling

We all go through that moment in time that makes us rethink everything we've been through. All those past memories, all those past times. Bad memories, bad times.

I would tell you to stop and think and remember every bad moment you have been through, every tear wasted and every second spent thinking about what you have done wrongly, or what you could have done to make the circumstances change or never happen. I would tell you to stop and remember but, sadly and unfortunately. i don't need to. You can remember unfortunate events. Our brain is made to remember certain things like that, remembering at the same time good things. But we can't make memories go away, we cant make memories disappear, we can't let go of those bad times, because they're in our heads, stuck with glue, glue that only stops sticking with time as it passes by.

And through your life, these moments are the ones that are going to come back and back again.

Stuck inside your brain.

Glued.

Frozen in time.

Frozen in memories.

Frozen in you.

But not in me. No

Not in me.

I still remember those tough times. I still remember how i felt. How people made me feel, with their comments, with their harsh words, digging into my brain, like a dagger into my flesh, creating a new wound that takes weeks to start to heal. Or reopening wounds that were almost healed, providing endless pain.

 How I made people feel, accidental comments that hurt them, maybe some not so innocent, but done on purpose; their eyes filled with tears, how I made them feel I'll never forget. Sad eyes, filled with mist. No one should hurt anyone, because what you see makes you feel worse. I know you know what i'm talking about.

 When someone told me my grandfather had died. Who doesn't feel that at that moment the world crumbles and shatters in front of their eyes? The pain in your chest when you realize you are never going to speak to them again. When they will no longer hold you in their arms or give you cuddles. No more smelling their perfume, no more watching them laugh with your stupid jokes, no more them.

When you were with your friends and suddenly you were the last one standing alone when all the partners were picked, the last one chosen to be in their team, the only one sitting on the bleachers because everyone else had been faster. When the threw paper balls at you with the teacher punishing you while you ended up being laughed by them.

When you went in for a job but someone was prettier than you, and got chosen before you. How after a long four-hour wait on hard, uncomfortable chairs ended with them telling you that the girl who had come in just a bit earlier had gotten the job. The feeling of being an outcast just for your looks that didn't help building up yourself as a whole, unique person.

When your last girlfriend/boyfriend left you for someone else. Those feelings of shame, regret and sadness all mixed together with despair. The way you felt as though you had been used, that feeling that you'll never forget. And when he or she slowly walked away, while you were looking at their hunched up back, as tears welled up in your eyes.

I won't forget that. Basically because i just can't forget that. All those memories and bad moments. They are something that won't leave you're mind. And probably, they never will.

But I won't let them control me. I won't be bossed around by my past, no matter how it left me, no matter how hard it was, no matter how I suffered or the endless nights crying into my pillow. My life never lived on the past, and it never will. Because, what's past is past. If it comes back to haunt me, I'll just push it away, out of my sight. Into the darkest corners of my mind, the furthest i can push it away. It's not worth my time anymore, much less my tears.

I've been through a lot, but i'm still smiling. Because screw those memories, they're only memories. That's what they are.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i'm really grateful to those who commented after my last post. 

I would like to know if my earlier post called Her was liked in general or not, because if so, i could continue it a bit, or do another short story.

I repeat again guys, there's no problem if you wan't to write a comment. Quite the opposite, i really like reading your comments, they make me happy. Seriously hahaha. If you're shy there's an anonymous option.

And if you want me to tell you when there's a new post tell me through my twitter or ask, even through comments if you'd like. My ask and twitter are on the left. If you go there, don't get scared that it's mostly in Spanish, I'm from Spain, it's not that unusual. But don't worry, if you write in English  i'll answer in English.

Lots of kisses and thank you again for reading. Luv y'all

Esther Alós © All rights reserved